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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

angry and hurt

Today was a strange day, I have been angry at the world, but due to selfish things to do with me.
I am down as i did not get the postdoc I so wanted in Argentina in Esquel in the town where my parents live, studying and researching small ancient marsupials from ancient Patagonian forests. I still can do it if I want but it just seems unfair I did not get the postdoc from CONICET, the financial and academic support from CONICET.
Anyway as I have been moping around and feeling sorry for myself I make enemies. Jas called me lazy when I asked him to help me. He says I am lazy for not doing things for myself for asking him for help all the time. After he called me this my mil said "I could not agree more". This broke my heart, this turned me into jelly and made me angry. I am not lazy, I am just different and do things differently. I immediately felt sorry for myself, went inside packed all our clothes, got dressed in shorts and runners and cried. Then had a drink of water and told everyone I was going for a run. It was bloody hot, about 3pm this happened, Joaquin was in his swimmers in the small pool they were setting up when I had ask Jas's help. I asked him to help me put on Joaquin's swimmers as I was holding Zalia and finding things a bit tough.
Anyway while I was gone, Joaquin played and splashed around with his cousins in the pool and so did Zalia. I was gone in the hot sun walking around Scone for 2 hours. i rang some friends, felt sorry for myself, cried, drank water out of a bubbler, felt better after talking to my friends, listened to Manu Chao and Regina Spektor and realised the world is way to wonderful to give up on. Thanked Pacha Mamma for all I had for all this beauty around me.
Walked home 2 hours later, very hot and bothered, waited in the dark room for Zalia to wake from her sleep, did not talk to anyone. When she was up, breastfed her, then went outside to play with Zalia and Joaquin in the late afternoon heat, was bitten by mozzies, then went inside bathed them and waited. Jas came in and talked to me. He said while i was out he was trying to contact me but my phone was turned off, he was even trying to locate me with iphone locator. Anyway I learnt from this incident. I hate to be called Lazy, I am not lazy. Sure i don't drive but I am not lazy. Jas wants me to take more initiative and not ask him for his help all the time. I am sure this is not as bad as it all seems.

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